Turning on the Light

Helping Churches Respond to Domestic and Family Violence

We want our churches to be places of safety, compassion and belonging. But when someone in our congregation is experiencing domestic and family violence, would we recognise the signs? And would we know how to respond?

Heather, a social worker, domestic and family violence survivor, and member of Common Grace's Domestic and Family Violence working group, has helped us better understand the challenges churches face in recognising abuse and responding safely. 

We're deeply grateful for her willingness to contribute her professional knowledge and lived experience to the development of Common Grace's new Domestic and Family Violence Church Toolkit.

Abuse is difficult to see

One of the challenges with domestic and family violence is that it doesn't always look the way we expect. Abuse can involve ongoing manipulation, intimidation and coercive control, often unfolding gradually and behind closed doors and in ways that make it hard for victim-survivors themselves to identify or name what they are experiencing. 

For Heather, there were moments she recognised as abusive. But it took much longer to see the pattern connecting them. She describes it as a “very thick fog”. Even with her professional understanding of abuse, she found herself asking: “why didn’t I see it in my own relationship?”

Her experience challenges us to recognise the questions we sometimes ask of survivors of domestic and family violence. Rather than wondering why someone didn’t leave or speak up sooner, we need to understand how complex and disorienting abuse can be. We also need to shift our focus to some more important questions: Why did the perpetrator choose to use violence and abuse? And how might our own teaching and theology have shaped their attitudes, beliefs or actions, or contributed to the confusion and pressure victim-survivors experience?

When misused spiritual truths add to the fog.

Because for Christians, there can be another layer to the challenges facing victim-survivors and churches. Forgiveness, grace, sacrificial love and restoration are beautiful and deeply Christian truths that reveal to us so much about the character of God. But Heather has seen how they can be misused in the context of abuse.

“It's not enough to say what they are,” she says. “You also have to actively teach what it's not saying, especially in the context of abuse and control.”

Self-sacrificial love doesn't mean staying in domestic and family violence. Forgiveness doesn't mean continuing to give someone dangerous access to you. And the hope of restoration can't come at the expense of someone's safety.

“Safety should always be a priority,” Heather says. “God is safe.”

If our understanding of God leads us to make someone less safe, something has gone wrong. As Christians, we are called to reflect God's love and justice, not reinforce the fear and control someone is already experiencing.

When someone reaches out

Recognising abuse is one challenge. Knowing how to respond well when someone shares their experience is another. 

Heather says people rarely share the whole story at once. They might offer a tiny piece of what is happening, testing whether it is safe to say more.

How we respond in that moment matters.

Heather encourages churches to be “quick to listen and slow to speak” and to pay attention to our assumptions. It's easy to think, “They would never do that. I know them. They're lovely.” But our assumptions about someone should never outweigh the experience being shared with us.

Churches don't need to become domestic and family violence specialists. That is not our job. But we do need to know how to respond safely, recognise the limits of our own expertise and connect people with specialist support.

Equipping churches to respond

So how can churches become places where survivors feel safe to speak and receive support? 

This is where Common Grace's Domestic and Family Violence Church Toolkit comes in.

Developed with input from people bringing lived experience, professional expertise, theological reflection and church experience, the free Toolkit gives churches practical ways to take the next step, wherever they are on their journey.

It includes a factsheet to build understanding, a preaching guide and church service resources to help congregations engage with the issue, guidance for responding when someone discloses abuse, a disclosure flowchart and a guide to developing a church domestic and family violence policy.

These resources help churches move beyond good intentions. They can help leaders examine how Scripture is interpreted, consider how to respond safely when someone speaks up and establish clearer processes for supporting survivors.

Bringing it into the light

Heather compares domestic and family violence to mould: it thrives in dark places.

“If we can connect with churches to help shine a light on the issue, it's going to be a lot harder for that mould to grow and thrive,” she says.

The Toolkit is one practical way to help churches do that work. But making these resources freely available and equipping more churches takes ongoing commitment.

Sign up to receive the Domestic and Family Violence Church Toolkit and start the conversation in your church.

If you'd like to help Common Grace equip more churches across Australia, you can also support our Domestic and Family Violence work with a donation.

Heather describes giving as taking part in turning on a light switch. Your support helps make it possible for more churches to learn, reflect and prepare to respond when someone reaches out for help.

When we help a church turn on that light, we are helping create a community where the vulnerable are protected, where abuse is not hidden and where God's love can be experienced in real and tangible ways.

This reflection has been written by Eliza Johnson from the Common Grace team with thanks to Heather in conversation with Ellaina Welsman, and offers a snapshot of the wonderful and passionate movement of Common Grace and ways people are pursuing Jesus and justice together across these lands. If you have a story to share of how you or your community have been inspired and taken action with Common Grace, we would love to hear!

Please reach out to our team at [email protected]