Sarah and Keith Condie, Co-Directors of the Mental Health & Pastoral Care Institute at Anglican Deaconess Ministries, reflect on the gift of forgiveness.
Forgiveness is beautiful.
Imagine a world with no forgiveness; where there’s no way back from a mistake we’ve made or the grievances and hurts we've caused. Where failings are final and fractured relationships are beyond repair.
Perhaps that sort of world is not that hard to imagine. In recent years, words have entered our language to describe new forms of judgmentalism. Callout culture brings public shaming to those who commit ‘wrongs.’ Cancel culture is even more severe; for some, reputations and careers never recover. Grace is an absent, or at least rare, commodity in these contexts. More common are reservoirs of anger, bitterness, regret, guilt and shame.
We were once driving on a motorway and saw this sign on two consecutive overhead bridges:
4give
Me
Who knows the backstory to that sign. A husband who’d betrayed the trust of his wife? A teenager who’d pushed the limits with his parents?
Whatever the situation, the sign maker was desperate to make things right. For the wrongdoing to be put aside. For the relationship to be back on track. That individual knew the importance of forgiveness if we less-than-perfect people are to keep the bonds between us strong and healthy.
Forgiveness lies at the very heart of the Christian gospel. In Jesus, our sin is cleansed, washed, wiped away, blotted out, stomped upon, thrown into the depths of the sea. There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1). As the saying goes, ‘We messed up, God mops up.’
Oh, the wonder of God’s mercy and grace! Forgiveness is beautiful indeed (cf. Psalm 32:1-2).
But, in the Christian community, we can misunderstand forgiveness. And tragically, this has occurred as the church has responded to domestic and family violence.
The rhetoric goes something like, ‘We’re all sinners; we all make mistakes; we should forgive and move on.’ And in the process great evil is overlooked or downplayed and lives are destroyed.
We have encountered many situations of domestic and family violence in our years of pastoral ministry. We regret that our lack of knowledge and expertise, especially some decades ago, meant that we have not always responded in the most appropriate manner. We now have greater awareness of other vital Christian principles at play in abuse contexts. Ensuring physical, emotional, and spiritual safety is essential. We know, too, that the just God requires those who walk in his ways to do justice (Micah 6:8).
Such awareness will shape better responses. For example, we will know that a perpetrator declaring they are sorry does not equate with genuine repentance. We will recognise that even if genuine repentance has taken place, reconciliation may not be possible due to the legacy of emotional damage carried by the survivor.
Yes, those reconciled to God are supposed to be people of bountiful forgiveness (Matthew 18:21-35). But never to the exclusion of matters of justice and safety that also lie close to God’s heart.
Loving Heavenly Father,
Thank you for the beautiful gift of forgiveness. Thank you for your rich mercy, kindness and grace that has dealt with our sin and enables us to live transformed lives. Thank you for reconciling us to yourself and that you welcome us into your presence without shame and free of guilt.
We pray for those who carry the scars of trauma, abuse and evil. Please grant them safety, comfort and support. Help us who bear the name of Jesus to provide genuine love and care. Keep us from wrong understandings of forgiveness and reconciliation so that we do not cause further harm.
You are a God of justice and mercy. Give us patience as we await the time when all wrongs will be put right and we enjoy the fullness of your reconciling work.
In the meantime, pour your Spirit upon us so that your grace, kindness and justice might shape the way we relate in our families, communities, churches, and our world.
In the strong name of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, Amen
Sarah and Keith Condie are Co-Directors of the Mental Health & Pastoral Care Institute at Anglican Deaconess Ministries. They bring extensive pastoral and teaching experience to their roles and over many years have run seminars and developed courses on healthy relationships and mental health & wellbeing.
Healthy Relationships is Common Grace's daily blog series during 16 Days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence, 25 November to 10 December 2025. Encourage your friends, family and faith community to sign up here.
The following Domestic and Family Violence support services are available:
Learn more about Domestic and Family Violence from Common Grace's SAFER Resource
In our final day of 16 Days of Activism Pastor and family lawyer Todd Darvas, shares how God is at work breaking through broken relationships to bring restorative hope and how Christians can help create pathways to safety, dignity, and healing.
Louise explores how love and fear go hand-in-hand in abusive relationships.
Victoria, a survivor of domestic and family violence, reflects on how healthy relationships allow stories to be shared, and listened to.
