Louise explores how love and fear go hand-in-hand in abusive relationships.
This story shares experiences of domestic and family violence. We acknowledge that this may bring up difficult emotions or memories for some readers. Please care for yourself as you read, or come back at a time when you feel ready.
My story begins with one moment that changed everything. Nothing would ever be the same. We would never be the same. I would never be the same. It happened in our first year of marriage. I was cooking dinner and my husband was nearby, sitting on the couch watching television. I wanted to use the remaining carrots for dinner and my husband came and stood over me, telling me not to use all of the carrots because he wanted to save money. I remember thinking that this is ridiculous, why is he making such a big deal over this? Plus carrots are so cheap. I proceeded to cut up the remaining carrots to use in our dinner. The next thing I knew he grabbed me and pushed me up against the wall, pinning me there with his hands around my collar, shouting at me, with his face up against mine and his eyes glaring at me with pure rage. In that moment a seismic shift occurred, fear had brutally entered our relationship, forever compromising the love that I so desperately clung on to for the next fifteen years. There were good times too, it was not all bad, and that is what people find hard to understand. My wedding vows were a promise to my husband and to God and marriage is for life. And when we had children it further cemented my commitment to try and make it work, no matter what.
Throughout our marriage we moved many times and attended many churches. Every time I hoped for a fresh start and was glad to leave painful memories behind. My husband also suffered from mental health issues. Between worrying about his suicidal ideation, dealing with his sudden mood swings, working and raising three kids, I was just trying to survive. There were numerous and often-changing rules I needed to follow. I could rarely relax and I was forever walking on eggshells.
Six years on from leaving my abusive marriage I am still learning what love without fear in relationships looks like. Love without fear, what does that mean? God’s love is perfect but humans are not perfect so it is hard to really know and understand love, as it always seems to come with a condition. I am now two years into a new relationship and I am learning to give and receive love in safety. I am also setting boundaries for myself, because I am worth it. At the beginning of my new relationship, he asked me to give honest and timely feedback if there was ever anything that was worrying or troubling me. I do not have to fear the consequences of my feedback, there’s no stonewalling, angry response or risk that my feedback will be used against me. I have valued and cherished the freedom this has given me and it has set up a firm foundation for our relationship.
It took many years for me to understand that my ex-husband weaponised forgiveness against me, and that it was him who broke the marriage vows. Shame and fear prevented me from reaching out to others and disclosing the abuse for far too long. The loudest voices from the secular world are often “Why don’t you leave?”. What I wish I had heard, and what I want women in the church who are experiencing abuse to know, is “It’s okay to leave. God hates abuse and you do not have to stay. You. Are. Worthy.”
Oh, and another thing, I still cook with carrots, and I absolutely adore carrot cake. When life gives you carrots, make carrot cake.
Reflection:
How do you show up in your church community for the family members experiencing family violence and for the family members using family violence? Do you make single mothers and their children feel welcome in your church?
Family violence doesn’t stop once separation occurs. Do you have agreed safety plans for the family members who are experiencing or have experienced family violence?
Resources:
“See What You Made Me Do” by Jess Hill (Book & SBS series)
“The Trap” by Jess Hill Podcast (Spotify) (Apple)
SAFER Resource by Common Grace
Louise is a survivor-advocate of domestic and family violence, and is passionate about sharing her story to help women identify abusive relationships and to build the capacity of faith communities to identify and respond to people experiencing family violence within their congregation with discernment, care and compassion.
Healthy Relationships is Common Grace's daily blog series during 16 Days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence, 25 November to 10 December 2025. Encourage your friends, family and faith community to sign up here.
The following Domestic and Family Violence support services are available:
Learn more about Domestic and Family Violence from Common Grace's SAFER Resource
In our final day of 16 Days of Activism Pastor and family lawyer Todd Darvas, shares how God is at work breaking through broken relationships to bring restorative hope and how Christians can help create pathways to safety, dignity, and healing.
Louise explores how love and fear go hand-in-hand in abusive relationships.
Victoria, a survivor of domestic and family violence, reflects on how healthy relationships allow stories to be shared, and listened to.
