Victim-survivor of domestic violence, Essie reflects on challenging harmful gender roles and how she forged a path to embracing boundaries.
This story shares experiences of domestic and family violence. We acknowledge that this may bring up difficult emotions or memories for some readers. Please care for yourself as you read, or come back at a time when you feel ready.
Hearing the word autonomy for the first time at age 32 was like a light switch flipping on in a room I didn’t even know I was living in.
Autonomy—the ability to make decisions rooted in my own voice, values, and convictions—was something I had unknowingly lived without for decades. My worldview had been shaped by a sincere but incomplete belief: that in all things, I needed to be like Christ—self-sacrificial, always preferring others, constantly turning the other cheek. Isn’t that the Christian goal? Yes… and no.
Like many deceptions, this one held just enough truth to be convincing. But half-truths, especially when disconnected from the bigger picture, can become dangerous. Without healthy boundaries or a full understanding of God’s heart, this belief was weaponised—used to manipulate, control, and silence me. I was taught to lay down my life, but no one warned me what it would feel like to lose it entirely.
For years, I believed holiness meant being silent, compliant, and invisible. I thought love looked like shrinking. As I began to challenge the lies I inherited—especially the ones wrapped in Scripture—I started to unlearn the idea that being “less” made me more holy and loving. With the help of trusted friends and wise counsel, I began to live differently. I spoke up. I set boundaries. I leaned into rewriting the internal script that was no longer serving me.
Love doesn’t condemn, control, or instil fear. Perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18). This is when I finally tasted autonomy—when I discovered that I did have a voice, desires, and a God-given purpose. And in that discovery, I encountered something I hadn’t realised I was missing—freedom. In that freedom, I caught a glimpse of what marriage was meant to be—a partnership between equals, rooted in mutual respect, agency, and love.
But instead of being met with respect, I was met with stronger resistance. Coercion, manipulation, and emotional control escalated. What I had hoped would be a path toward mutuality revealed a painful truth: this was not a partnership, and it certainly wasn’t what God intended when He created marriage. The crippling fear I lived with daily was not the fruit of love but something far more dangerous.
Eventually, I faced a sobering choice: Would I betray everything I now knew to be true—for the sake of preserving the appearance of a "perfect marriage"? Would I return to a worldview that celebrated my silence and spiritualised my suffering? Or would I stand firm, knowing the cost, and refuse to let my autonomy be taken from me again?
I chose the truth. I chose boundaries. Not because it was easy, but because once you’ve tasted real love—the kind that affirms your voice and honours your presence—you cannot go back. Even when the price is high. Especially then.
Now, my mission is not just to teach my daughter the importance of autonomy, boundaries, and boldness—but to model it for her. This is how we begin to rewrite the story. This is how we change generations: by doing the hard work of introspection, allowing God into the spaces we’ve tried so hard to hide away, and courageously choosing to live out the process of freedom.
What beliefs or inherited “half-truths” have you begun to unlearn in your own journey toward freedom and mutuality?
In what ways might embracing autonomy allow you to love more fully—not by shrinking, but by standing as your whole self?
Pray for courage to set and maintain boundaries, even when it is difficult or unpopular. Seek God’s guidance to experience love that is freeing, respectful, and mutual.
Essie is a survivor of domestic violence and currently lives with her daughter in Queensland. She is courageously forging her new path to freedom.
Healthy Relationships is Common Grace's daily blog series during 16 Days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence, 25 November to 10 December 2025. Encourage your friends, family and faith community to sign up here.
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Learn more about Domestic and Family Violence from Common Grace's SAFER Resource
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