Carolyn Cousins looks at safety in dating and what some of the red flags of coercive control look like.
Dating can be exhilarating, hopeful and full of promise. Whether you’re just starting to date or stepping back into the world of relationships after a hard season, there is a lot of analysing, meaning making and nervous excitement.
Early in relationships, people are often putting their ‘best selves’ forward, and it can take a little while for signs of concern to come through, and we can question whether we are reading too much into things.
During these 16 Days of Activism, we want to draw attention to how sometimes what can initially feel like “romantic” attention can slowly shift into something controlling or even dangerous — and that this can happen to anyone.
As followers of Jesus, we know that we are called to love and connect with others in ways that honours and uplifts the other person. True love is patient, kind, and never self-seeking (1 Corinthians 13). Coercive control, on the other hand, is about power — it’s love that has been twisted into manipulation.
Let’s consider some warning signs that a relationship might not be beginning in healthy ways.
Too fast or intense. At first, it can feel flattering when someone wants to see you all the time, sends constant messages, or talks about a future together after only a few weeks. But this intensity can be a way to sweep you off your feet before you’ve had time to think clearly and check in with people who know you.
A healthy relationship builds over time, with space to reflect, have time and to pray. It is also useful to have the input and reflections of others on the person you are dating. Sometimes others can see what you overlook. Love that’s godly doesn’t rush you or make you feel pressured to “prove” your commitment early on. It respects your pace and gives you time to ensure you know the real version of the person you are dating.
Isolation and exclusivity. While early on, it is not uncommon to want to spend lots of time with each other, this should not come at the exclusion of others. Do they get annoyed when you spend time with friends or family, or try to ensure your time is exclusively with them? Are you made to feel guilty for not focussing solely on them? Isolation is a significant warning sign. In healthy relationships, the person should want to get to know others who are important to you, to support you to flourish in your family and community, not ignore or abandon them. God designed us to live in fellowship — not in secrecy or fear or with a sense of competition arising from time spent with others.
They make you doubt yourself. Coercive control often begins with subtle put-downs. The control comes when one person dominates the narrative of what is “right” — whose opinions, perceptions, or experiences matter. Comments that suggest you’re overreacting, too sensitive, or that belittle and demean you start to undermine your confidence. Remarks like these make you feel as though you’re not good enough as you are.
It is not the role of a partner to change you or imply that you are always the problem. God calls you fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). A loving partner should affirm your worth, not erode it. Scripture should never be used to make you feel less than.
They attempt to control money, communication, or choices. If someone you are dating demands to track you (even if it is presented as loving), wants access to your phone to monitor your messages, wants to control your spending, or insists on making all the decisions — that’s not love. That’s control. In healthy relationships, both people have agency, voice, and mutual respect. Decisions are made together, not through fear of the other person's reaction or through pressure.
You start to feel smaller, quieter, or more anxious / afraid over time. A good relationship helps you become more yourself, not less. You feel celebrated and loved. Not like you have to conform. If you notice you’re walking on eggshells, hiding things from friends, or praying for peace more than you’re experiencing it — that’s a sign something isn’t right. Listen to that small voice inside. God’s Spirit often nudges us when something is unsafe.
They apologise — but don’t change. Everyone makes mistakes, and we all can grow. However, apologies without genuine change, reflection and growth are meaningless. If there is a pattern of hurt followed by promises and then more hurt, that’s emotional manipulation. Real repentance bears fruit (Matthew 3:8) — it shows up in changed behaviour, not just words.
If you’re worried about a relationship. It’s okay to reach out for support to explore your concerns — to a trusted friend, pastor, counsellor, or one of the support lines below.
And remember that Scripture should never be used to excuse controlling or abusive behaviour — misquoting verses about submission or leadership to maintain power is not ok.
We serve a God who could have chosen to force us to love him. Yet he offers knowing and loving him as a choice. He could have coerced us to connect – yet he gave us agency. God’s kind of love is never controlling. It’s freeing, supportive, and safe.
If someone makes you feel afraid, controlled, or constantly anxious, it’s time to step back and seek safety. God’s desire for you is freedom and peace, not fear.
You deserve that.
Questions for reflection:
Ask yourself whether this relationship is assisting you to centre God in his rightful place in your life.
Does the other person support and encourage this focus?
Are you able to receive support and care, as well as provide it?
Is their mutual respect given and equal responsibility taken for the health of the relationship?
Are both of you able to make mistakes and seek forgiveness?
Do you feel encouraged to flourish?
These are the kinds of things God wants for us in relationship, where we model seeking each others best as he does for us.
Carolyn Cousins is a social worker and adult educator who provides supervision and training to practitioners in the NSW Domestic Violence Sector. She has also worked with Churches and denominations to equip them in responding to gender-based violence in their congregations and communities.
About this series
Healthy Relationships is Common Grace's daily blog series during 16 Days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence, 25 November to 10 December 2025. Encourage your friends, family and faith community to sign up here.
The following Domestic and Family Violence support services are available:
Learn more about Domestic and Family Violence from Common Grace's SAFER Resource
In our final day of 16 Days of Activism Pastor and family lawyer Todd Darvas, shares how God is at work breaking through broken relationships to bring restorative hope and how Christians can help create pathways to safety, dignity, and healing.
Louise explores how love and fear go hand-in-hand in abusive relationships.
Victoria, a survivor of domestic and family violence, reflects on how healthy relationships allow stories to be shared, and listened to.
