Jen Lakos, councillor with Cottage Counselling, reflects on allyship and what it looks like for us to be active bystanders.
I’ve been in situations where I have felt uncomfortable about how someone is being treated. What can I do? What stops me stepping up? Is it safe? Thinking about healthy relationships I think about being more like Jesus, our greatest example of healthy, authentic relationships. For us sometimes this just means being compassionate and generous and forgiving. There are times when this requires understanding of how power and control can be used in relationships and not being passive but being an active bystander.
When we read the gospels there are many examples where Jesus overflowed with compassion even when He must have been exhausted: healing those who came to him, weeping with those in pain, meeting physical needs by feeding crowds. These were powerful acts of generosity and heartfelt kindness. Jesus also shows us how to speak up when what He sees is not ok. In Matthew 19:14 He rebuked his disciples saying, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” Similarly in Mark 14:6 when the woman with an alabaster jar of expensive perfume poured it over Jesus’ head in an act of worship, and those around said it was a waste, Jesus said, “Leave her alone. Why are you bothering her? She has done a beautiful thing to me.” Jesus didn’t follow the crowd; He always acted with humility and mercy and with justice. For us to be active bystanders it means we don’t follow the crowd. We speak as Jesus did for justice and for God’s values.
We are called to be like Jesus. I believe Jesus would speak into situations in our church communities where power is being used to harm and control. Let us be led by our Saviour’s example. As a counsellor I have met with many Christian women who come to counselling wanting to be a better, more godly, more forgiving wife. They don’t realise they are in a relationship where coercive control is being used to overpower and keep them in their belittled place. Sadly their partners’ controlling behaviours have been overlooked by those around and no-one has walked alongside them. Let us follow Jesus’ call to change this.
As active bystanders we can be empowered by understanding we have options in how to intervene. Often we have been taught our only options are to keep out of others’ business or speak directly into the situation, and that might feel scary and actually be dangerous. We have other options which would be safer and show the victim that you have seen what happened and you are not ok with it.
In our communities we can make a change by doing something indirect such as involving others, following up afterwards, providing resources. We could provide a distraction to de-escalate the situation. Or else use relevant HR protocols or your church’s protocol such as safe ministry.
Reflect:
Are there women who are in relationships where power is being used to harm? How well equipped do you feel to speak up or walk alongside vulnerable women or men?
Training:
Cottage Counselling and Common Grace will begin to deliver Active DFV Bystander training, starting 2026, in and around Sydney. If you are interested in finding out more about this new training initiative please contact us at [email protected]
Heavenly Father,
Please help us to love as you have loved us. Please help us to be more like Jesus and not to fear but to wisely care for vulnerable children, women and men in our communities. We are sorry for the times we have been passive and overlooked hurtful situations. Please give us wisdom and resources to shift our culture and bring safety to our communities.
Amen
Jen Lakos has been counselling with Cottage Counselling since 2003, supporting individuals and couples through anxiety, depression, and the long-term impacts of childhood trauma. She also provides pastoral and clinical supervision, drawing on Emotionally Focused Therapy and other approaches to nurture healing and hope.
About this series
Healthy Relationships is Common Grace's daily blog series during 16 Days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence, 25 November to 10 December 2025. Encourage your friends, family and faith community to sign up here.
The following Domestic and Family Violence support services are available:
Learn more about Domestic and Family Violence from Common Grace's SAFER Resource
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Victoria, a survivor of domestic and family violence, reflects on how healthy relationships allow stories to be shared, and listened to.
