Social worker and researcher Gen Farquhar shares how real change begins when those who cause harm choose to face the truth. This is an invitation to courage, repentance, and transformation — to walk the hard road toward love.
For three decades I have had the honour of walking toward healing with people who have faced horrendous harm. This harm has been caused by the very people who should have cherished and nurtured them. Victim-survivors of domestic and family violence come from every part of our society, including the church. People who choose to inflict that violence also come from every part of our society, including the church.
Across the time I have spent with people seeking counselling, one reality has remained consistent. It is always the people who have been hurt that come for help.
The ways in which humans creatively, deliberately and persistently hurt people they say they love never ceases to astound me. This has produced life altering pain for so many. The overwhelming majority of clients seeking counselling in the context of abuse, be they child or adult, male or female and from churches of every flavour, are those who carry the wound of being harmed.
The number of people who come to counselling and say ‘I’ve hurt people and I don’t want to do that anymore’ is shockingly and tragically low. So much of our walk with Jesus is about humble personal transformation to be more like Him but it’s not a cross many people who abuse others ever take up.
Of course, we all hurt each other, imperfect in our ways of loving and conflicting. But here I address those who are persistently driven to hold power and control over their closest people. Gone are the days where we only have condemnation to address that choice. Yes, condemnation of abusive patterns of behaviour is critical and appropriate, but it will not change peoples’ behaviour on its own.
You may be justifying your actions in your own mind and to everyone around you, but you know you are not walking in the way of love. Walking in the way of love is hard. So hard. The bravery and cost of addressing our dark selves is not insubstantial but addressing it is possible. Accountability and justice for the wrongs you continue to inflict is highly prized by God, but on their own, without change, you remain trapped in a way of being and relating that doesn’t serve anyone around you …and it also doesn’t serve you.
Further than condemnation, accountability for harm must lead to pursuing personal change. Deeply personal change. This kind of change is not out of reach. It is important for those around you, but it can also set you free from your own trap.
So here is your invitation… There are people waiting for you to take it up. People who are experts in the process of helping you understand what you are doing, why you are doing it and how you can choose not to.
This is specialist work, and it cannot be sorted in a few weeks of effort. Seek a professional who can help you face your truth, an experienced behaviour change practitioner.
The Men’s Referral Service is the place to find that expertise.
Call 1300 766 491. A 24/7 information and referral service ntv.org.au/mrs
If you know you are harming the people you should be cherishing, spend a moment in honesty. Ask God to give you the courage to take the first step. There are people who know the way through and He will go with you.
Gen Farquhar is an Accredited Mental Health Social Worker with expertise in trauma, supporting survivors of domestic abuse, childhood abuse, and sexual assault. A former Director of the Cottage, she now focuses on supervision, training, and research as a PhD candidate exploring faith and domestic and family violence. Gen is committed to the Cottage as a faith-in-action refuge for those most in need of counselling support.
Healthy Relationships is Common Grace's daily blog series during 16 Days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence, 25 November to 10 December 2025. Encourage your friends, family and faith community to sign up here.
The following Domestic and Family Violence support services are available:
Learn more about Domestic and Family Violence from Common Grace's SAFER Resource
In our final day of 16 Days of Activism Pastor and family lawyer Todd Darvas, shares how God is at work breaking through broken relationships to bring restorative hope and how Christians can help create pathways to safety, dignity, and healing.
Louise explores how love and fear go hand-in-hand in abusive relationships.
Victoria, a survivor of domestic and family violence, reflects on how healthy relationships allow stories to be shared, and listened to.
