Overview of Coercive Control

Overview of Coercive Control

What we learned by listening to survivors of domestic violence. 

REV. TRACY LAUERSEN

Coercive control describes a pattern of behaviour by someone who wants to have power over their intimate partner and uses a range of tactics to achieve and maintain that power. They may manipulate, threaten, pressure and use intimidation to control their partner. They may use physical or sexual violence, but they may also control their partners’ behaviour through psychological, emotional, financial, spiritual and social forms of control.

In the past, most of our laws, and consequently our understanding of domestic violence, focused on a single physical act or incidence of violence between partners in an intimate relationship. An occasion where a partner did something that left physical damage: a broken limb, a concussion, a cut, a bruise, a scar. What we didn’t understand until we started listening to survivors of domestic violence, was that these acts of violence were usually preceded and held together by patterns of long-term controlling behaviour. Control exerted through a range of ultimately demeaning tactics like initial love-bombing, emotional manipulation, stalking,  tracking, social isolation, financial control and through insults and actions that wore down their partners confidence and autonomy. As those who worked with victims started to develop their understanding of these patterns of control in intimate relationships, they grappled to describe this ongoing pattern of abuse with names like intimate terrorism, patriarchal abuse, psychological and emotional abuse. We now recognise that these ongoing patterns, campaigns or regimes of controlling behaviour in an intimate relationship themselves constitute domestic violence. We recognise these acts of subjugation almost always precede physical and sexual violence.  We now call this pattern of controlling behaviour ‘coercive control.’

Sadly, when we break down coercive control patterns into the data that we have on specific forms of violence like emotional abuse, financial abuse, stalking, sexual and physical abuse, we know that these are widespread problems and that women are far more likely to be victims, and men are more likely to be perpetrators. Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour that is upheld by unhealthy gender stereotypes and social expectations. (For statistics, go to https://www.aihw.gov.au/family-domestic-and-sexual-violence/understanding-fdsv/coercive-control)

"They isolated me, gaslit me, they monitored my phone calls, my emails. They’d ‘borrow’ my laptop. They’d control when I watched TV, went to sleep, went to church, saw my family…For all our married life, they controlled the money. I had no autonomy or independence. They’d humiliate me at church, joke about my ‘infantile’ faith." (excerpts from the National Anglican Family Violence Research Project)

The long-term impact of coercive control on victims can be profound and may endure long after the relationship ends. Even for the most resilient, such chronic forms of violence can leave life-long scars.

Coercive control is different to other forms of abuse in the following ways:

• It’s an ongoing pattern rather than a one-off incident.
• Its primary methods of control often exclude physical or sexual violence and focus on tactics such as emotional manipulation, surveillance, gaslighting, financial control, social isolation.
• The context for these tactics is everyday life and is often associated with women’s roles as mothers, homemakers and sexual partners.
• It is subtle and indirect rather than overt and direct and sometimes victims may not recognise the dangerous situation being created in their relationship.
• It targets the victim’s autonomy, agency and identity.

Healthy relationships are very different to ones that are characterised by coercive control. Healthy relationships are built on mutual trust and honest communication and handle conflict with respect for the other partner. Healthy relationships are characterised by emotional support and empathy, equality and fairness. They respect each individual’s boundaries. Physical intimacy is mutually satisfying. There is support for personal growth. Healthy relationships balance togetherness and independence. 

All of us want to control things in our lives to some extent, but controlling another person through coercion and threats is not right. We are not created to dominate, control and manage the daily life of our partners. 

Pray

Creator God, as Christians we know how far human relationships and intimate relationships fall short of the ideal for which we were created.
We are all created in Your image.

The disrespect of one’s partner through coercive control and its power tactics is a tragic and sinful rejection of one’s whom You love. It is a denial of their inherent value as Your image bearers. It is a self-gratifying power play.

Jesus showed us a better way. He pushed back against unhealthy societal norms that saw women disrespected. He felt under no obligation to insist on his power in any relationship.
We resolve to follow His lead. To recognise and embrace our own worth as those created in Your image, and to acknowledge our responsibility to see the worth in others and to treat them with respect. Especially those with whom we share our lives.

And during these 16 days of activism against gender-based violence, we pray especially for victims of coercive control. 

Reverend Tracy Lauersen is the National Program Manager, Families and Culture for the Anglican Church of Australia's General Synod. Tracy has led a national project to understand and to address violence against women and men in faith communities. She is an Anglican Minister with experience in senior leadership and pastoral ministry, teaching and training.

About this series

Confronting Coercive Control is a daily blog series during 16 Days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence, 25 November to 10 December, 2024. 

Encourage your friends, family and faith community to sign up here.
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The following Domestic and Family Violence support services are available:

• 1800 RESPECT National Helpline: 1800 737 732
• Women’s Crisis Line: 1800 811 811
• Men’s Referral Service: 1300 766 491
• Lifeline (24 hour crisis line): 131 114
• 13 YARN (Aboriginal Mob): 13 92 76
• Emergency: 000