Day 8: "What do you want me to do?"

“What do you want me to do?”

Non-coercive pastoral care

ERICA MANDI MANGA

‘What do you want me to do for you?’ 

(Mark 10:51)

In Mark 10:42-45, Jesus redefines authority for his followers, saying ‘Whoever would be great among you must be your servant.’ Later, when Jesus meets Bartimaeus, we see what he means. 

Bartimaeus is blind, and he is begging. He is crying out for Jesus. And one might assume that, upon hearing him and seeing his situation, Jesus would know exactly what to do. Yet Jesus asks, ‘What do you want me to do for you?’ 

This question seems redundant given Bartimaeus’ obvious needs. Wouldn’t his desires be abundantly clear? However, we know that Jesus never just says things for the sake of it. His question is genuine. 

Jesus is creating a space in which Bartimaeus can articulate his needs from his own perspective. Bartimaeus is offered the dignity of being understood as a whole person, capable of articulating which desires to raise with Jesus. 

What we are seeing in this interaction is Jesus modelling non-coercive care, the true servant-like authority he had just taught about.

Pastoral care can be coercive, if we are not careful. It can supplant the other person’s autonomy, their own insight, and their dignity, instead making them dependent, silent and passive. The pastoral carer can take on a power position, directing, dictating and patronising the person being ‘cared’ for. I know I have done this myself, and I am cut to the heart about it. 

I am trying to learn another way, to not presume that I know what a person needs more than they do, and to not supplant their thinking or desires with mine.

Good pastoral care, I believe, is collaborative. It is two or more people coming together, using their insights, wisdom, and faith in God, to find a way forward. It is to ask, ‘where do you want to start?’ and ‘what are your best instincts about what to do?’ rather than ‘I think the issue is this’ or ‘I think you should do this.’ 

In other words, it is to ask, ‘What do you want [Jesus] to do for you?’

This kind of pastoral care is predicated on a couple of enormously risky premises – that the image of God actually means something, and that the Holy Spirit is at work in each believer. In other words, that all people have inherent dignity that must be honoured, and that all believers can be trusted to be led by God. 

When it comes to people who have experienced coercive control, this kind of pastoral care is vital. Domestic and Family Violence has been likened to a colonising of the will – the person choosing to use violence takes over, subjugating the person against whom they are using it. People who have experienced abuse not only get to make far too few decisions for themselves, but even the decisions they are able to make are loaded with concern for the implications for ‘wrong’ choices. There is far too little freedom to check in with what one’s body needs, what one’s desires, and hopes and choices might be, apart from the abuse.

This is why non-coercive pastoral care can be so restorative – it can be like a window to the possibility of regaining fuller access to dignity and freedom.

Go Deeper

What do you need Jesus to do for you? 

Picture Jesus responding to you the way he responds to Bartimaeus. What does it mean for you?

How might you go about creating space so that others can also express their own needs? 

Pray

Heavenly God, 

May we see the full image of you God in all people, enabling autonomy and freedom of choice to people whose lives have been controlled and coerced. 

May we continue to be shaped by Jesus when walking alongside women and people who have been experiencing domestic abuse. To know when to ask “what do you need from me Jesus, and from me?” 

For those of us in pastoral care ministry and roles, help us to repent of the times when we have used our position to take control or hold power over another. Help us to be part of your plans to bring restoration and healing. 

Amen

Erica Mandi Manga (née Hamence) has previously worked as an Associate Minister at St. Barnabas Anglican Church, Broadway, and has been involved with Common Grace in the Domestic and Family Violence Justice Team since 2015 where she contributed significantly to Common Grace’s SAFER Resource.

About the Series

Confronting Coercive Control is Common Grace's daily blog series during 16 Days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence, 25 November to 10 December 2024.
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The following Domestic and Family Violence support services are available:

• 1800 RESPECT National Helpline: 1800 737 732
• Women’s Crisis Line: 1800 811 811
• Men’s Referral Service: 1300 766 491
• Lifeline (24 hour crisis line): 131 114
• 13 YARN (Aboriginal Mob): 13 92 76
• Emergency: 000