Day 13: Healing From Coercive Control

Healing From Coercive Control

A greater grief for God

DEBBIE GOULD

I had nearly 25 years of a marriage, that to my surprise was, from the very start, what I now know to be coercive control.

On the face of it, it was a Christian marriage between two well known individuals. Me, a leader in my church and my husband, a successful businessman.

I have always wanted to be the best version of myself and hence sought help to hopefully ’fix’ whatever was perceived to be wrong. It was only when I attended a conference on domestic and family violence for work that my eyes were opened. I looked at the cycle of a healthy marriage versus the cycle of a coercive marriage and realised I was in the second group. All the comments I had been given from the professionals I had met with over time suddenly all made sense. 

The decision to leave my marriage was not, and nor should it be, an easy decision to make. We all know that for every decision or choice we make there are consequences and they can be varied. Little did I know that the fallout was to be disowned to some extent, amongst some family and friends. 

By God’s grace, healing started soon after the realisation of what I was living in, was in fact domestic abuse through coercive control in a number of areas.

I was asked by supporters of my decision to leave as to how they could pray for me and I always answered, ‘please pray that I do not get a bitter heart’. I believe God answered this prayer.

I took time off from formal ministry to heal and to work on myself with the aid of a great counsellor, books, and groups going through similar walks and much time seeking God’s friendship. It wasn’t just one particular thing that primarily guided my healing but everything working together, and thankfully the Lord used it all.

I felt immense grief at my broken marriage. But I also knew deeply that God’s grief for my pain and the suffering of so many women was far greater. And that gave me comfort. 

There is much wisdom and discernment needed when one steps away from coercive control. One needs to be able to discern who you share your story with. Ultimately, my circle of trusted people became very small, and that was ok. I knew that God was, and still is, by my side at all times and continues to hold me up firmly. I was told by a dear friend that often our silence in some difficult scenarios, speaks louder than words, especially when the other person is ‘shouting’. I agree with this thought. (I certainly do not hold the thought that a person remains silent whilst in abuse).

I can hold my head up high knowing that the Lord loves me for who I am, as I am and where I am. What joy this brings when we face what Jesus says about us rather than the destruction another can bring if we allow it in our lives.

Go Deeper

Explore resources that helped Debbie: 

• Lesley Vernick’s book, “The emotionally destructive marriage”, along with www.lesleyvernick.com 
• “Rebuilding, When your relationship ends” by Bruce Fisher and Robert Alberti
  

Debbie Gould loves people and everything she does in life is about getting to know, understand and support those around her. Her family is extremely important to her and she will take every opportunity to be with them and to enjoy their company. When not with family Debbie works as a Chaplain, hosts a television show called Helping Hands and regularly trains and competes in ballroom dancing.

Common Grace seeks to amplify the stories of people who have experienced injustice and acknowledges that survivors of Domestic and Family Violence are brave and resilient. By generously sharing their stories with us and advocating for change they are helping to make this world safer for women and children. As we listen deeply to their stories of experiencing coercive control, may we honour their contribution and commit to pursuing a world where our homes, churches and communities treat all people with dignity, respect, equality, and love.

About the series

Confronting Coercive Control is Common Grace's daily blog series during 16 Days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence, 25 November to 10 December 2024.
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The following Domestic and Family Violence support services are available:

• 1800 RESPECT National Helpline: 1800 737 732
• Women’s Crisis Line: 1800 811 811
• Men’s Referral Service: 1300 766 491
• Lifeline (24 hour crisis line): 131 114
• 13 YARN (Aboriginal Mob): 13 92 76
• Emergency: 000