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When False Expectations Are Not Met

Reverend Scott Holmes brings us our second reflection in our 16 Days of Activism series ‘When false expectations are not met’, helping us to recognise the signs of coercive control.

When False Expectations Are Not Met

Recognising signs of coercive control

Rev Scott Holmes

REV. SCOTT HOLMES

A significant part of our Christian faith is the invitation to form community – the church - in which there is mutual care and support. Intimate relationships are another place where this happens, and Jesus suggests that in doing so, these relationships reflect the love of God for us. 

A feature of God’s love is that it is offered freely and with no conditions – a gift of grace. What might this mean in the context of our intimate relationships? How do we ensure that the practice of mutual care and support is grounded in grace – in freedom?

For many, if not most of us, this is a challenge. Not because we don’t value grace, but because of the deep insecurities that are part of our existence. Our desperation to be loved and our fear of not being loved, cause us to attach all sorts of conditions to our caring and support. “I’ll do this as long as you do that.” “If you don’t say thank you, I won’t do it again.” “If we don’t do it my way I don’t know if you love me.” Our care and support become transactional rather than grace-full. 

For we men there is an extra layer to this. We are socialised into expecting to be in charge, to be stoic, to be right. When these false expectations are not met, we can become even more insecure, and our need for love and acceptance can become very distorted. This is what we call coercive control. 

Actions that seek to force the other person into being who we need them to be for us. Indeed, for many men, the distortion is such that the desire for power and control replaces the desire for mutual love. 

How do we recognise when this is happening? There are some simple things to ask. Is it OK for a partner to say no, or will that make them feel anxious? Are we giving each other choices, or are we making choices for the other? Are all opinions valued, or are some dismissed? Do we each feel free to make our own decisions, or are we careful about where we go and what we do? Do I feel I am always being watched?

Coercive control can be readily explained away. Some men insist that knowing where their partner is at all times is a way of showing they are being protective. Some men insist that making all the decisions takes the load off their partner. Some men think that controlling all the finances is a way of being supportive. The concerns may be genuine – but the solution is still controlling. 

As Christians, we live in the love of God. A love that is made visible in Jesus. A love that is offered freely. A love that is unconditional. It is this love alone that brings life and meaning to all our relationships. There is no place for coercive control in this love. May the love of God dwell in us so deeply that we can offer this love to all who are near and dear to us as a gift of grace.    

Go Deeper

How might you become more aware of your own needs? 

How might your need for being loved show up in ways that are not helpful for others? 

What can you do to extend love in ways that offer freedom, autonomy, and grace towards others? 

Pray

Dear Creator God,
Thank you for the gift of intimate relationships, and for the gift of community.
Help us, when we love others, to do so freely, without conditions or control.
Help us to choose love over being right.
To choose grace over having control.
To choose self-acceptance over fear.
To love as Jesus does. 

 

Rev Scott Holmes has been active in the prevention of violence against women sector since 2011, including time working at Our Watch. He supports the committees of Anglican prevention programs in both Melbourne and nationally. Scott is a member of the chaplaincy team with the Brotherhood of St Laurence. 

About this series

Confronting Coercive Control is a daily blog series during 16 Days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence, 25 November to 10 December, 2024. 

Encourage your friends, family and faith community to sign up here.
Promote these series in your church or faith community with PowerPoint slides and social media assets.

The following Domestic and Family Violence support services are available:

Confronting Coercive Control

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Day 6: Steps Towards Healing

Carol-Ann Fletcher is an Advocate for Change with Engender Equality and a White Ribbon Community Partner. Today she shares her personal story of surviving coercive control and stepping towards healing.

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Day 9: Falling Through the Cracks

Kristine Vicca, of Irish and Torres Strait Island descent, and a survivor-advocate of domestic violence, shares her story of experiencing coercive control, and her journey to healing and recovery.

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Day 12: The Tangible Love of Christ

Todd Darvas, Pastor at H3O and family lawyer, demonstrates how the love of Christ is made tangible for women experiencing coercive control when restorative justice is embedded into the life of the local church.

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Day 13: Healing From Coercive Control

Debbie spent 25 years in a marriage, that to her surprise, she now understands to be coercive control. Her decision to leave her marriage was not an easy one, but one that helped her on her way towards healing.

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Day 15: We Have More to Offer.

Social worker and educator, Carolyn Cousins, explores how to be a safe church for women to disclose their abuse and how churches can model healthy relationships as a form of prevention of coercive control.