Made to Feel Like a Child

Made to Feel Like a Child

The impact of coercive control -  a survivor’s testimony

AMANDA

Content Warning: This blog is a story from someone who is experiencing domestic and family violence, and may be distressing or triggering for some readers. If you think you may find this story too difficult to read at this time, then you may wish to save this for another day. 

The impact of coercive control in my relationship made me feel like a child and not the competent adult that I once was prior to the relationship. 

The frequent use of blame for his behaviours that were not my responsibility and intimidation through breaking of objects, slamming doors, or his hands on tables created an atmosphere of fear, chaos and control that I became too afraid to not comply in. I rarely raised my needs or wants and developed a belief that I was ‘too much’ because I was told that I could never be pleased, nothing that he did was ever good enough and that I expected to be treated as if I was a princess.

He did not overtly prevent me from seeing friends or family, but his negative comments about them or his distance in their presence caused me to try and ensure he was always ok. I became socially withdrawn, even when I was physically present. My view of myself was influenced incredibly after a disagreement with him, where he swore at me in front of our children. 

I was losing confidence in my own voice.

His public persona and influence made it difficult to identify the patterns of abuse. The person who I was living with at his worst, was the extreme opposite of his public behaviours and roles as psychologist, church and community volunteer.

I dismissed many of the issues as cultural differences for a long time. 

When I found out we were pregnant with my daughter I placed the positive test on the toilet excitedly and told him to look; he was happy, but I immediately got lectured that it was a dirty and inappropriate way to share such precious news with him. 

Before kids, I purchased a beautiful Barbie overseas as a gift to give to our future daughter. I gave it to her when she was three; however, when she messed up part of the Barbie in her play, he was very angry with me in front of her. 

When my son was old enough to understand I remember telling him that he was born on International Women’s Day. I was corrected in front of the children to not bring that up. 

Once, I shared a story with my husband about a colleague who was struggling because she had been sexually assaulted. His shocking response was that she must have done something to invite the assault by clothes she was wearing. I challenged him later, being disturbed by his comments however he denied ever saying this.

There was only one physical incident which resulted in a large bruise on my body when he threw something at me. He dismissed it as an accident. I heard one of the children bravely disclose the incident that night to another adult. 

But the invisible injuries continued to increase. He communicated numerous times that I was acting like a victim; that I had no sense and that there are actual people he works with who are in need of genuine help. 

Sadly, his coercive behaviours continued to escalate further, even after separation. I have been told that I have ruined his life and told our children that I was responsible for breaking the family. Still, I am thankful for the help and professional support I've received post separation. 

Pray

God, thank you that you see us, even when we struggle to find words to express what can happen as a result of coercive control and domestic violence and abuse. 

You hear us. You are close to us and are an ever present source of help and comfort in times of trouble. 

We ask for renewed courage as we seek help from danger, or are praying and resourcing ourselves to support those across all our communities who daily are. 

Thank you that your Word defines the fruit of healthy relationships and behaviours, and provides for us examples of pursuing safety when people who have dangerous intentions or rage towards us intend to harm us or our children. 

We ask for blessing for the ongoing work of Common Grace to support our faith communities to grow in the things that matter to You and that churches would be beacons of hope.

We pray and ask that churches safely lead people to help, and provide integral spiritual care to those impacted and recovering from the effects of domestic and family violence.

In Jesus name, Amen

Amanda is a survivor-advocate of domestic and family violence, and is graciously advocating for others to understand more clearly what the experiences of coercive control mean for women and children in being part of a faith community, and how local churches can provide support, protection and care for other women and families. 

Common Grace seeks to amplify the stories of people who have experienced injustice and acknowledges that survivors of Domestic and Family Violence are brave and resilient. By generously sharing their stories with us and advocating for change they are helping to make this world safer for women and children. As we listen deeply to their stories of experiencing coercive control, may we honour their contribution and commit to pursuing a world where our homes, churches and communities treat all people with dignity, respect, equality, and love. 

About this series

Confronting Coercive Control is a daily blog series during 16 Days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence, 25 November to 10 December, 2024. 

Encourage your friends, family and faith community to sign up here.
Promote these series in your church or faith community with PowerPoint slides and social media assets.

The following Domestic and Family Violence support services are available:

• 1800 RESPECT National Helpline: 1800 737 732
• Women’s Crisis Line: 1800 811 811
• Men’s Referral Service: 1300 766 491
• Lifeline (24 hour crisis line): 131 114
• 13 YARN (Aboriginal Mob): 13 92 76
• Emergency: 000