Day 5: Becoming Active Bystanders

Becoming Active Bystanders

Coercive Control in faith Communities

RUTH SPEZIALE

In my personal life, I’ve known men who appeared charming and upright citizens, but privately their behaviours became demeaning, disregarding, and demanding behaviours, keeping their wives ‘in line’. In my counselling practice, I’ve known women where their partner’s behaviour coerced them into living fearfully within stringent parameters. The victim-survivor’s freedom of will is taken. 

Such coercive controlling behaviour is diametrically opposed to how God relates. God knocks on the door and invites us into a loving relationship (Revelation 3:20). 

Of particular concern for Christian communities then is coercive control, one of the most common forms of abuse for women of faith.

Our faith communities’ practices and teaching can harbour those who dominate, and foster compliance to this dominance.

Differing convictions regarding relationship structures may not be evident initially or change over time, and one partner can find themselves in an increasingly constricted relationship. 

Spiritual Abuse can occur when these controlling behaviours restrict or impose participation in faith practices.

Coercive controlling behaviours can be less apparent than their physical counterparts. Psychological blows delivering psychological bruises, scars, and broken spirits. Yet, where social norms prevail; “What goes on in marriages is private” so “Look away”, and “Don’t interfere”, we know from current homicide statistics, dreadful outcomes can ensue. 

What can we do about this?

As “people of God” (1 Peter 2:9), we have clear ‘Maker’s Instructions’ on being “light” and “salt” (Matthew 5:13-16) to effectively influence our communities.

Towards the prevention and elimination of domestic and family violence, many organisations are working to encourage members of all communities to exercise personal leadership and become active bystanders.

In recent training as a facilitator of the MATE bystander program, I was challenged when realising I still held vestiges of those old adages, “Don’t get involved”, and “Leave it to the professionals”. Like many, my ‘standoff’ thinking arose from fear; for myself or others intervening, causing more harm for the victim, and getting it wrong. Thankfully, I found, bystander programs equip us with the skills and knowledge to intervene safely and effectively. 

Learning this “do something approach” reminds me of Jesus' story, The Good Samaritan (Luke 10:30-37) highlighting the contrast between passive and active bystander. When people pass by on the other side, evil prevails!

Edmund Burke (1729-97) stated, “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing”. 

God asks us to be proactive. “Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but … expose them … everything exposed by the light becomes visible” (Ephesians 5:11-13). When people act by stepping in, evil can be defeated.

I now believe we have a God given imperative to become active bystanders in our churches to prevent violence against women.

Being an active bystander in our community begins with an awareness of the signs of coercive control, recognising this pattern of behaviour as harmful, stepping in with considered interventions and speaking up to call it out.

Let’s transform our faith communities by:  

• Learning signs of Coercive Control in contrast to healthy relationships where each person has freedom of will.
• Noticing what practices harbour Coercive Control in our midst and speaking up.
• Creating safe spaces where people can confide and access support for change.
• Responding to concerns by respectfully, and responsibly coming alongside those:
  • who may be experiencing Coercive Control
  • whose behaviours could be signs of Coercive Control
• Learning what it means to “Direct, Distract, Delegate, Delay, Document” as considered interventions described in bystander programs.
• Referring people to helpful services, such as 1800 Respect.  

Go deeper

Act to transform our faith communities:

• Access SAFER resources and research your churches’ response. 
• Start conversations to raise awareness within your church and its leadership.
• Train yourself and others - book an educational bystander program for your church, such as MATE.  

Pray

Dear God,
Thank you for inviting us into a loving relationship with each other and you.

We long for our homes and churches to be places of safety, not coercive control and violence. 

Please forgive us for the times we have failed to treat our loved ones with respect and dignity. 

Give us courage to be the salt and light in our churches, stepping up bravely to talk about domestic and family violence, and actively preventing coercive control.

Amen.

Ruth Speziale holds a Grad Dip in Christian Counselling, a member of Christian Counsellors Association of Australia, PACFA, and currently works at The Cottage Counselling Centre. Across 25 years of experience, Ruth developed a strong community services focus, providing Counselling to individuals and relationships, education and clinical/pastoral supervision. Her practice acknowledges the power of emotions within a trauma informed framework. Ruth is interested in commonalities of human experience including power and control as expressed in relationships, and is also a supporter of Common Grace. 

About this series

Confronting Coercive Control is Common Grace's daily blog series during 16 Days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence, 25 November to 10 December 2024.
Encourage your friends, family and faith community to sign up here.
Promote these series in your church or faith community with PowerPoint slides and social media assets.

The following Domestic and Family Violence support services are available:

• 1800 RESPECT National Helpline: 1800 737 732
• Women’s Crisis Line: 1800 811 811
• Men’s Referral Service: 1300 766 491
• Lifeline (24 hour crisis line): 131 114
• 13 YARN (Aboriginal Mob): 13 92 76
• Emergency: 000