Day 6: Steps Towards Healing

Steps Towards Healing

My story from abuse to recovery

CAROL-ANN FLETCHER

Content Warning: This blog is a story from someone who has experienced domestic and family violence, and may be distressing or triggering for some readers. If you think you may find this story too difficult to read at this time, then you may wish to save this for another day. 

As I reflect on what I endured from my ex-husband, it is overwhelming how many different ways he chose to use coercive control to abuse me. What I am sharing with you is only a fraction of the abuse I endured. But I hope it will help you to identify coercive control, and if you are also someone experiencing domestic abuse, to know that you are NOT alone.

Here is a little insight into what my experience of coercive control and abuse looked like: 

I was extremely restricted in what I could do or where I could go, and I was not allowed to take out any more money than that without his permission.

Only allowing me to withdraw $140 a fortnight, with a few exceptions, even though he was working, and I had Centrelink payments coming in. 

Against my will, he forced me to buy a car that had a broken windshield with my university Centrelink Scholarship payment and then drove my car whenever he wanted to.

He instructed me to not tell Centrelink that we were flying overseas to visit family. I ended up with a Centrelink debt that went to debt-collectors because my husband refused for us to pay it off.

He colluded with others to stalk me physically, psychologically, and online.

After he died, I found out that he had consolidated all of his superannuation and put it in his bank account, whilst falsely claiming to the ATO that he had lost super. He went on to lie to others telling them that I had spent all of his superannuation.

Being deeply traumatised by family, friends, and others because they did not believe I was telling the truth about my husband’s abuse. 

After leaving him, I chose to trust someone who claimed to be a former friend of his. I wanted so much to believe this was true, but it wasn't. Trusting this person proved to be disastrous because through this person, my ex-husband easily kept track of where I was and what I was doing. 

Several years later, although I am still struggling with the aftermath of leaving my abusive husband, I have found a lot of hope and healing through Celebrate Recovery. 

Celebrate Recovery is a confidential, non-judgemental space where I am unconditionally loved, accepted and encouraged, where I can safely talk about the deep pain from the coercive abuse I endured from my abuser. 

Celebrate Recovery includes a Christian 12-step program based on the Beatitudes in the Bible. Sometime afterwards, I joined a study group that guides participants to go deeper into the 12 steps and 8 principles of this ministry. The step that helped me the most was Step 4 where "we made an honest and fearless inventory of ourselves". 

One of the very best things to come of this was learning that he was 100% responsible for choosing to abuse me and had absolutely no excuse. Discovering this unexpected truth after blaming myself for so long for his abuse was so freeing and has helped me to start to heal from his abuse in a big way.

I still have a long way to go in my healing journey, but I am not walking this journey alone. As a leader and advocate, I have also found a lot of joy in supporting others in their healing journey.

Go Deeper

If you are someone who has experienced coercive control, you may like to take a moment to reflect upon the ways in which you have made steps in your journey of healing and recovery, acknowledging that it is not an easy or straight forward journey. Perhaps you could think about where you have gained a greater sense of control over your own life. 

If you have not experienced coercive control, you may like to take a moment to reflect upon the ways you can be a safe, non-judgemental and trusting person that can walk alongside others who have experienced domestic violence. 

Pray

Dear God,
We pray that women experiencing coercive control find confidential, non-judgmental people and ministries where they are unconditionally loved, accepted, and valued. Where they can find true healing in Christ.

We pray that churches around Australia can be part of helping women heal and recover.  

May we be people that walk gently and softly with them in their pain and their journey of healing and recovery. 

Amen

Carol-Ann Fletcher is an Advocate for Change with Engender Equality and a White Ribbon Community Partner who is passionate about using her lived experience of abuse to help prevent violence against women and raise awareness about coercive control abuse. Carol-Ann has spoken at several domestic violence awareness and prevention panels and is also an author of a short story that was published in a divorce recovery workbook. Carol-Ann is also a Celebrate Recovery open share leader who enjoys encouraging others in their recovery journey. 

Common Grace seeks to amplify the stories of people who have experienced injustice and acknowledges that survivors of Domestic and Family Violence are brave and resilient. By generously sharing their stories with us and advocating for change they are helping to make this world safer for women and children. As we listen deeply to their stories of experiencing coercive control, may we honour their contribution and commit to pursuing a world where our homes, churches and communities treat all people with dignity, respect, equality, and love.

About this series

Confronting Coercive Control is Common Grace's daily blog series during 16 Days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence, 25 November to 10 December 2024.
Encourage your friends, family and faith community to sign up here.
Promote these series in your church or faith community with PowerPoint slides and social media assets.

The following Domestic and Family Violence support services are available:

• 1800 RESPECT National Helpline: 1800 737 732
• Women’s Crisis Line: 1800 811 811
• Men’s Referral Service: 1300 766 491
• Lifeline (24 hour crisis line): 131 114
• 13 YARN (Aboriginal Mob): 13 92 76
• Emergency: 000